BCB Profiles

[Mr Maps]

*whistles low tune, checks watch, rocks back and forth from heel to toe*

[Mathew Street]

Jumper K Balls - Aged 22, real name Jeremy ('Although I ask my friends to call me Snadger. It's a bit more 'street', d'you know what I'm saying?'), lives with parents in detached house in Hampstead, favourite drink Pimms ('Actually, I really, really love Real Ale, but I just can't get used to the taste of it'), all-time favourite film 'Vera Drake' ('I mean, it's not out here yet, but father got hold of an advance copy from Mike. It's a great film, really gritty, superb performance from Amelia Staunton, bloody salt of the earth stuff'), currently working as 'runner' for City firm ('Although, once I've got enough to buy my own place, I want to get out there and make my living from the street. Sell 'The Big Issue', do odd jobs, anything like that, just so I can connect with reality'), favourite meal pigeon breast stuffed with grapes in a white wine sauce, has Che Guevara tattoo on left buttock, favourite TV programme 'EastEnders', has dog named Saracen, has girlfriend named Arabella ('She's my soul mate. We're both planning to go and work on a farm collective in Tunisia, sometime in the future'), planning to join local debating society 'when time allows'.

[Jumper k]

Fucking hell! You've seen my arse!

[Mathew Street]

Fucking hell! You've seen my arse!

[tweetybird]

Can I beg for a profile, Matthew?

please, please, please, please, please

I'll give you my firstborn....

[Mathew Street]

tweetybird - Real name Norman, aged 49, lives with wife Marj in flat in Upton ('Upton-by-Chester, that is. We get a bit fed up when people say we're from Liverpool'), works as security man at local hospital, drinks Theakstons Best, all-time favourite film 'Terminator 2', has dog named Tyson ('I mean, calling your dog Lennox or Lewis just doesn't seem right, does it?'), favourite meal egg, chips, beans and tomato sauce ('With two slices of bread, of course'), plays darts for local pub team, trying to persuade wife to go on adventure holiday in New Zealand, has tattoo of Madonna on right arm ('Don't ask. Let's just say that I don't drink as much nowadays'), favourite TV programme 'Deadwood', currently on course of antibiotics for 'sore throat', would love to meet Al Pacino, has mole on left side of face, once had walk-on part in 'Hollyoaks' ('I was one of the passers-by when Finn was having trouble with his van'), able to drink a pint in three seconds flat ('Not that I like to drink a flat pint, mind. D'yer gerrit?').

[tweetybird]

Thanks Mathew, you've made my day.

My firstborn is in the post, of course...

[Black Cat Bone Is Me]

Mathew, do you play the Sims by any chance?

[Mathew Street]

Mathew, do you play the Sims by any chance?

No. What is it?

[Black Cat Bone Is Me]

Mathew, do you play the Sims by any chance?

No. What is it?

It's a computer game based on people. You can make your own computer animated person (a sim) and take care of it. Generally, you have to make it get a job, make it get a partner, make it eat, make it sleep, make it shower, etc. The Sims are very demanding. If they get bored, they'll let you know. If they're lonely, they'll let you know. Even an accident can kill your Sim.

The fun part is designing your Sim. You can make it ugly or beautiful, all depending on the facial features you choose for the Sim. You also have to name the Sim, give it an age, give it aspirations, choose a birth date, etc.

It's very popular at the moment. I'm surprised you never heard of it. A lotta fun for a passtime.

For more details, go here http://www.thesims.com

[The Dríver]

I know you did one of these for me back in the Mojo days. At the risk of being self-indulgent, do you still have it?

Note that I'm ignoring the 'Bump' one from a couple of pages back, though I have to admit that was a very good joke.

[Black Cat Bone Is Me]

I don't think I've ever had one done for me.

[Mathew Street]

Bumping this back up, to avoid culling and to remind me to get profiling again.

[Mathew Street]

Father Christmas - Age 70-ish, real name Commercial Opportunities,
originally born to famous soft drinks company, favourite meal
'anything but bloody carrots, milk and mince pies', has reindeer
named Dasher Dancer Prancer Vixen Comet Cupid Donner Blitzen and
Rudolph, drinks beer, whisky and port, all-time favourite film
'Miracle On 34th Street', would like to meet the right woman ('get
my Claus into her, know what I mean?'), drives sleigh, has strange
white growth erupting from face and inside of ears, would love to
wear T-shirt to work ('why can't they have Red Nose day in December,
me and Rudy'd love that'), fed up with jokes about emptying his sack
once a year, favourite Christmas song 'Santa Baby' ('rroowwwrrr!'), loves
Boxing Day ('feet up, few tinnies, crisps 'n' dips, listen to that
new Nirvana box set, aaahh, bliss'), HATES being called Kris
Kringle or St. Nicholas or Father Xmas ('what the hell is Xmas when
it's at home?') or 'Sanity' Claus ('yeah, yeah, I've seen that film
too') or Santy ('look, I don't mean to be pedantic here, but it's
either Father Christmas or Santa, alright? Oh go on then, don't mind
if I do. Cheers! Anyway, where was I?'), looking for summer seasonal
work, favourite group The Rooftop Singers, all-time favourite song
'Chim-Chimney-Chim-Chimeny', available for 'extra' work Jan-Nov,
GSOH, willing to meet own transport costs, used to working with
children and animals.

[Mathew Street]

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - Real names Billy and Freddy Jenkins (aka The Slapdash Brothers), age 44, live with respective partners Amy and Mandy in adjoining houses in Scarborough, drink Theakstons XB (Billy) and Carlsberg Lager (Freddy), favourite meal Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding, work throughout year at seaside resorts as The Slapdash Brothers, patiently wait for 'phone call from Santa at beginning of each December ('it might only be one night's work, but the dosh is great. Mind you, it's a bloody hard slog'), appear as Daisy the Cow in various pantos, would like to meet Nat Jackley and Bernie Clifton, take turns as front end of Rudolph (Billy: 'when it's my turn, the red nose bit is my 'speciality', so to speak. I put the 'rude' into Rudolph, know what I mean?'), occasionally have trouble from the other (real) reindeer (Freddy: 'you should see my arse, it's got more marks than the German Treasury! I don't know about Dasher, they should rename one of those buggers Gnasher, the savage sod'), all-time favourite film 'In The Bleak Midwinter', favourite actor Roy Hudd, planning to eventually open own pantomime school.

[Mathew Street]

I know you did one of these for me back in the Mojo days. At the risk of being self-indulgent, do you still have it?

Note that I'm ignoring the 'Bump' one from a couple of pages back, though I have to admit that was a very good joke.

Strangely, despite your username, at that time I didn't realise how much of a Quo fan you were!

Here's the original......maybe I'll need to revisit you at some stage!

Piledriver - Thirty-stone behemoth, fantasises constantly about having long hair (has rampant alopecia) and playing guitar with the Quo (is tone-deaf), drinks gallons of Guinness, smokes fifty a day, pleasant when in company, shares flat with fridge-freezer, real name Cedric, likes to be called Ric.

[Guest]

Father Christmas - Age 70-ish, real name Commercial Opportunities,
originally born to famous soft drinks company, favourite meal
'anything but bloody carrots, milk and mince pies', has reindeer
named Dasher Dancer Prancer Vixen Comet Cupid Donner Blitzen and
Rudolph, drinks beer, whisky and port, all-time favourite film
'Miracle On 34th Street', would like to meet the right woman ('get
my Claus into her, know what I mean?'), drives sleigh, has strange
white growth erupting from face and inside of ears, would love to
wear T-shirt to work ('why can't they have Red Nose day in December,
me and Rudy'd love that'), fed up with jokes about emptying his sack
once a year, favourite Christmas song 'Santa Baby' ('rroowwwrrr!'), loves
Boxing Day ('feet up, few tinnies, crisps 'n' dips, listen to that
new Nirvana box set, aaahh, bliss'), HATES being called Kris
Kringle or St. Nicholas or Father Xmas ('what the hell is Xmas when
it's at home?') or 'Sanity' Claus ('yeah, yeah, I've seen that film
too') or Santy ('look, I don't mean to be pedantic here, but it's
either Father Christmas or Santa, alright? Oh go on then, don't mind
if I do. Cheers! Anyway, where was I?'), looking for summer seasonal
work, favourite group The Rooftop Singers, all-time favourite song
'Chim-Chimney-Chim-Chimeny', available for 'extra' work Jan-Nov,
GSOH, willing to meet own transport costs, used to working with
children and animals.

*Claps*

[Mathew Street]

Deleted.

[Morning Star]

Deleted.

Is that Plaxico then?

[Prez!]

Any chance,Mathew?