Rants: Finals

The best rant is...

A
4
44%
B
5
56%
 
Total votes: 9

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Davey the Fat Boy
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Rants: Finals

Postby Davey the Fat Boy » 06 Oct 2007, 22:16

A

Open Letter To Joni Mitchell

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Congrats on your latest album, Grandma. It is nice that you’ve found something constructive to do between cigarettes. I haven’t heard it all the way through yet, just the snippets they played on NPR last weekend right after 'Car Talk'. I hope you sell a ton of them to Volvo driving asswipes across the country. That’s your demographic now, isn’t it? Does anyone else buy your pretension these days? What the fuck happened to you? When did you get to be such a total dried up cunt bore?

Back in the day you were something special. You could write a classic song a day and still have enough energy left over to bang Crosby, Stills and Nash in reverse order before the sun went down on Laurel Canyon. Sure you had an ego the size of your adam’s apple – but your work backed it up. That was a long time ago.

Then tragically, one day your nicotine stained fingers discovered the jazz chord. At first it was cool. It made your albums seem sophisticated. Back then adult sophistication was all the rage. But somewhere along the way you got it in your head that you actually were a jazz artiste. You started hiring musicians who looked like this to back you up:

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Little by little your albums became less popular, but you couldn’t take the hint. Charles Mingus told you that you were his peer. That was all you cared about. But old guys will say things like that to get their cocks sucked Joni. Mingus was notoriously the kind of guy who’d tell a girl she was the second coming of Byrd once he’d seen your clitoris from both sides now. You shouldn’t have taken him to heart.

Let’s talk about jazz, Joni. At one time jazz used to be exciting, fun music. Look at these pictures and see if it jogs your memory:

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See? Fun. Excitement. Energy. Blood. Marrow.

Where is the fun in your music? Where’s the excitement? Were you counting on Starbucks to provide it along with your new album in caffeinated form? See it isn’t that your new album is bad per se, it’s just a drag. Jazz isn’t supposed to be a drag, Joni. But since you are a legend, nobody will level with you. And even if they did, you seem intent draining any possibility of fun out of your music. How else can somebody explain the dire remake of “Big Yellow Taxi" on Shine? And did you really set Rudyard Kipling’s “If” to music? Now there’s a party. Of course you had to change the words in order to improve it. Modesty has always been your strong suit.

And that’s the thing Joni. For decades now you’ve regarded your audience as plebes for whom you periodically deign to dispense great art from your perch on Mount Olympus. That might fly if you were still sending down Court and Spark, but have you ever actually listened to Wild Things Run Fast?

So here is a suggestion Joni. Call up David Crosby and ask him for a moustache ride.
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If he’s not busy impregnating lesbians maybe he’ll oblige. It might not make you less insufferable, but it’ll keep you from boring the rest of us for a few minutes - and sometimes that's enough. Just don’t take pictures. Nobody wants that visual image in their minds.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

B

Fuck Ghandi.

Let's just get that out of the way right off the bat. Ok? Here...I'll say it again:

Fuck Ghandi.

I mean...what did that bony old slice ever really do for anybody?

"Well, (author)...He was the pioneer of Satyagraha—the resistance of tyranny through mass civil disobedience, firmly founded upon ahimsa or total non-violence—which led India to independence and inspired movements for civil rights and freedom across the world."


Yeah? Well, he never did anything for me, and now he's just as dead as Hitler. So, fuck Ghandi. I heard he was a real prick when he was hungry.

And speaking of Hitler, how come no one hates the Eskimos? Well, I do. I hate those blubber-eating cock-smokers, and I hope global warming thunderfucks 'em all right off the face of the Earth. Goddamned Innuits. What a smelly lot of fish-hordering dogfuckers they are. Fucking walrus hunters. They control the media, ya' know? And Bollywood. As a matter of fact, since we're on the subject, fuck all the indigenous peoples of the world.

What? I should give up a few smokes a week because you're too stupid to learn how to use Windows? Hey, Umfufu...take the fucking plate out of your lip, put on a tie, and join the rest of us in suburbia, or meet Darwin and Ghandi in hell, you ignorant clit-snipper. What's that? You make 873 Zimbabwean dollars a year, and you have 11 kids who eat nothing but shoe leather and face-fly soup? Well, here's a thought, and now...just try and follow me here:

Stop fucking.

Please, please, please...stop...fucking. Just stop it. Really. Everyone hear that? No more fucking for Umfufu. Umfufu is officially cut off from the fucking.

And speaking of fucking, how come no one in the movies ever needs a towel after sex. What the fuck? Do they just roll around in splooge all night? Fucking gross, dude!

Anyway, I guess that's about it...

...oh, and before I forget...there is no God, and The Pope is a fat cunt. End transmission.
Last edited by Davey the Fat Boy on 08 Oct 2007, 20:39, edited 1 time in total.
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&
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Re: Rants: Finals

Postby & » 07 Oct 2007, 21:07

A. I love the Jaco picture. :)

B is just spewing. And it's Gandhi, not Ghandi. :roll:
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Sneelock

Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Sneelock » 07 Oct 2007, 21:12

the game, she is fixed.
what happened to the one and only submission? did it split off like a single celled organism? was the deadline extended in a top secret fashion? if there were bonus cash prizes involved, I'd be consulting Gloria Allred.

Sneelock

Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Sneelock » 07 Oct 2007, 21:17

what angshu calls 'spewing' I know by the name "ranting", I take 'b'. 'a' is funny and it would be a close call if not for the little 'jazz lesson'. far too pleased with it's own reasoning for me.

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Davey the Fat Boy
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Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Davey the Fat Boy » 08 Oct 2007, 03:33

Sneelock wrote:the game, she is fixed.
what happened to the one and only submission? did it split off like a single celled organism? was the deadline extended in a top secret fashion? if there were bonus cash prizes involved, I'd be consulting Gloria Allred.


You don't recall talking about Sunaday?
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Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Sneelock » 08 Oct 2007, 04:04

of course I do. you don't remeber assuming the contest was dead?
viewtopic.php?f=27&t=63282&st=0&sk=t&sd=a

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Davey the Fat Boy
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Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Davey the Fat Boy » 08 Oct 2007, 13:48

Well essentially it is. But the person who sent that entry didn't want their effort wasted so I did one last match.
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Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Sneelock » 08 Oct 2007, 14:41

uh huh, without letting anyone else know. so, the deadline was extended but for only one person.

maybe we can have a contest to prove that Led Zeppelin is the best band of all time!

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Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Davey the Fat Boy » 08 Oct 2007, 15:18

Sneelock wrote:uh huh, without letting anyone else know. so, the deadline was extended but for only one person.

maybe we can have a contest to prove that Led Zeppelin is the best band of all time!


Uh...I went with the only two entires that were in at the deadline - his and mine. You had plenty of time.
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Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Sneelock » 08 Oct 2007, 15:26

from the round 4 thread
Davey The Fat Boy wrote:
Sneelock wrote:um, this coming Sunaday?


Was suppused to be last Sunaday. Of course now it's Wednesaday and I've only gotten one entry - so I'll assume this contest is dead.



you said only one entry made it before the deadline.
so...
one entry didn't.
rather than extend the deadline you just added one more.
hey, I was busy last weekend but I might have made an effort to stay in if you extended the deadline. you didn't, but you added one entry anyway.

it's not a 'final', it's a two card monty. hey, you can do what you want because it's your game.
I get to say the game is fixed
because I think it is.
Last edited by Sneelock on 08 Oct 2007, 15:31, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Davey the Fat Boy » 08 Oct 2007, 15:30

Right. Only one person sent their entry by the deadline. MIne was already in.


Not sure what your issue is. Had you bothered to send one in, you'd certainly still be in the running.
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Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Sneelock » 08 Oct 2007, 15:31

so. you said one and you meant two?

Sneelock

Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Sneelock » 08 Oct 2007, 15:33

you said the game was dead because there was only one entry.
it's NOT dead. there's a final.
gee, I wonder who's going to win?? :lol:

Sneelock

Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Sneelock » 08 Oct 2007, 15:34

this is like one of those "Tourneys"
who's the greatest band of all time? Led Zeppelin or Black Oak Arkansas!?

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Davey the Fat Boy
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Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Davey the Fat Boy » 08 Oct 2007, 15:37

Sneelock wrote:so. you said one and you meant two?


Ugh.

I didn't count myself. If I had written a rant and nobody esle sent one in, it would be correct to say, "I haven't received any entries." Given that I'm running the contest - it is sort of a given that mine is part of the mix.

Regardless - you could have sent yours in by the deadline. Or when I cmmoneted that I only had one entry, you could have contacted me and offered to have sent in another one to keep the game alive. If you still feel slighted, send in an entry and you can take on the winner of this round. At this point there's no form to any of this anyhow.
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Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Davey the Fat Boy » 08 Oct 2007, 15:42

Sneelock wrote:you said the game was dead because there was only one entry.
it's NOT dead. there's a final.
gee, I wonder who's going to win?? :lol:


Rigggght.

I manipulated the whole thing so that I could win. :roll:

The only reason I posted a final at all was to honor the one person who bothered to send in an entry. They deserved to have their work seen and they deserved a decent level of competition. It isn't like anyone can make any spectacular claim of victory off of this. There weren't enough people particiapting in the first place.

But seriously man...too bad it didn't mean this much to you when all you had to do was send in an entry.
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Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Sneelock » 08 Oct 2007, 17:03

the contest was dead and then there was a final round. that's like saying Grampaw is dead and then he comes downstairs to dinner with a place set at the table.

hey, let's say you posted something really funny. you know, it happens. well, suppose you posted what YOU said in 'the treasury of mirth'? well, no matter how funny it was, somebody would certainly take time out of their day to call you a right proper bastard for posting your own stuff in the treasury. right?

well, if you say a contest is dead and then there's a final and YOU happen to be one of the entries...
maybe some petty bastard would point this out, I didn't see anybody else doing it and I'm just a petty enough bastard to do it myself.

I think it's like buying yourself a "World's Greatest Grandma" sweatshirt.

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Re: Rants: Finals - Buddha B. Rex wins!

Postby Davey the Fat Boy » 08 Oct 2007, 17:47

I'll send you your money back.


Look Snee - it is simple. The contest is and was dead. The one person who sent in their entry PM'd me and clearly wanted their rant seen. So I posted a final round. If it makes you feel better, I'll disqualify my rant and crown Buddha the winner.

So there is is folks. Buddha wins.

You did the world a favor today Snee. You thwarted my nefarious plan top hold a contest so lame that nobody would enter and then crown myself victor.

Take a bow.
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Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Sneelock » 08 Oct 2007, 17:54

try the veal, folks!

Sneelock

Re: Rants: Finals

Postby Sneelock » 08 Oct 2007, 18:08

Public Apology to Davey the Fat Boy:

look, I don't fault you for anything. you coaxed some very funny stuff out of people that I enjoyed reading.
I couldn't make the deadline so I asked if it was extended. it wasn't but there was a run-off anyway. life goes on.
maybe it was just a misunderstanding. I count yours and someone elses as two entries. I think dead means dead. I'm glad we got to see the other entries because they were both great fun to read. It seems to me that the deadline was extended without telling anybody. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry. I've been wrong before.

besides, you just saved 'hatz and sloop the trouble of telling us how bad we suck!