Happy as you get older - and, if so, why?

[Insouciant Western People]

Life was definitely more exciting then as I was travelling a lot to relatively exotic places.

It's funny, in 1997 I'd been only to France and Spain, once each. I had very little interest in travel outside of the UK. Even in the UK, I'd never been to Wales or Northern Ireland, and I think I'd only been to London once - which now seems to me bizarre given how relatively small a country England is.

Fast forward 20 years and between my job and holidays, I've now been to almost 40 countries, in Europe, Africa, Asia, the Middle East and the Americas. Between 2006 and 2009 I went to India alone something like 15 times.

[Davey the Fat Boy]

Twenty years ago was rough. On this date twenty years ago I was 32 and my first daughter had just been born 19 days ago. We were overjoyed, but it had been clear for a while that something was wrong. She wasn't taking any food and had already had to have a spinal tap. In about a month we would be told that she had a rare brain malformation and would likely not live more than two years...but we didn't quite know that yet.

The context of these times was bleak too. I'd just moved to Colorado from Los Angeles largely unwillingly. My wife had been going through some rough emotional times and decided that leaving LA was the key to her turning things around. In normal times I'd have more to stay for, but my once-interesting musical career had stalled - partially due to being dropped by my label, but mostly due to the death of my best friend and manager. That was a kick in the gut.

My family was also coming apart at the seams. My grandmother had developed dementia and it came out that she had money. This started a protracted legal war between my father and uncle that had left nobody talking to each other and no money left for children or grandchildren.

So here I was in Colorado...not a musician anymore. No real family anymore. Depressed wife. No way to make a living. Newborn child with frightening medical problems I didn't understand. That's a snapshot of me on this day 20 ears ago.

Well...unless this day was this one particular day. My wife was out. Just me and my daughter watching movies all day. I think in that moment I'd thought that all of the hard things might just be over - and I remember it as the only day that I really had to hold this little girl and imagine her growing up into a young woman...going to college...getting married. Soon I'd find out that none of that was going to happen - but I was truly happy on that one day, despite all sorts of recent trouble.

Fast forward to now....

I'm 52. My daughter didn't pass away. She turned twenty 19 days ago and she's happy. Yesterday we got a contraption called a gait trainer which allowed her to walk on her own power while strapped in it. She seemed to enjoy that. Her younger sister heads off to college next month. I have a good job where I'm respected and well paid, a nice house, and my wife is happier than ever. I just finished recording an album after more than 20 years as a non-musician and have several other creative projects happening.

I'm closer to dying, but also better at living. I don't know what stopped my depression, except that I hit a point where I was done with it. I'm under no illusions that hard times won't ever return. I know they will if I'm lucky enough to stay alive long enough to run into them. But I already know that I'm a survivor. I have a talent for meeting hard realities and making my way towards the whatever happiness can be taken from them. So I guess I'm at peace with that. All in all, I'm the happiest I've ever been.

[Minnie the Minx]

That's quite a post, Davey!

[Minnie the Minx]

I'm not sure I understand the premise of the original four options, but I suppose my answer would be that I am happy in a very different way now than I was 20 years ago. I did not appreciate the capacity that a great, great love has to shift your perceptions about everything, but now I see everything clearly. I never had that before I got married.
One of my dear friends that I ran around with for years in punko days has terminal cancer and her and I are talking a lot. I'm sending her diary entries of what we did on what day - getting banned from pubs mainly - and she says constantly, how immortal and indestructable we seemed which added to all of our fun. There was no doubt my life was exciting then. I forget how exciting. But did that equate to happy? I dunno. Lots of things contributed to that. My friend, with a different immediate future in front of her, is remembering those days with an added happiness slant. Maybe if things were different, she would be content now too.

I'm living in a city I love with the man of my dreams and despite the day to day grind our life continues to hold infinite possibilities. I'm happy.

[take5_d_shorterer]

A two part question :

1. Compared with 20 years ago, are you
a) happier or,
b) unhappier
than you were.

20 years ago, I was more incompetent as a musician. Not sure what this necessarily has to do with happiness, but it's a lot easier to quantify.

One difference is that 20 years ago, I thought of musicianship more in terms of being inspired while now I think of it first as taking care of some basic skill sets, after which there can be room for some creativity.

Now I can identify more clearly where I'm incompetent and can address that head-on.

And
2) Do you primarily associate happiness with being
c) Excited, or
d) Peaceful.

Can't answer, but I suspect that performing music well has to do with maintaining a certain calm. It is totally different from the listening experience in which you can afford to get excited. You do that when you play, and your time is going to be all messed up. No one wants to listen to that.

[Snarfyguy]

20 years ago I was a way better musician than I am now (probably because I spent a lot more time playing).

: /

[Diamond Dog]

Some great honest insights here everyone - a real credit to you all.

[Belle Lettre]

Davey's post was amazing.

[kath]

Davey's post was amazing.

yes.

[never/ever]

I'm closer to dying, but also better at living.

That is a beautiful short statement that is wrapped in a great story mate. And it so much reflects my answer to the given question that I will leave it at that (not that I really have a story to tell....)

[Davey the Fat Boy]

Thanks to all for the nice words - and for all of the wisdom shared on this thread by all.

I'm always a bit hesitant to talk too much about that time in my life. It was what it was, but I don't really want to fall into the trap of using it to claim any kind of nobility. I'm far from the only person here who has come through tough times. I'm reminded in particular of what we all watched kath go through a few years ago, and the tremendous grace she exhibited throughout. I imagine that we didn't see the half of it, but I'm still a bit in awe of the part that was visible to us.

But it's good to talk about these things - especially when the way the question is framed allows for nuance. I don't take depression lightly. I know that it isn't simply a matter of pulling oneself up from one's bootstraps. Some folks fight a daily war with their brain chemistry. Some folks are overwhelmed by circumstance. Others struggle with a mix of both.

I was lucky in that my brain chemistry and personality default was on my side. But even so...it took more than a decade to crawl out of something that felt like hell. I can only imagine where I'd be now with only a slightly different brain chemistry.

On the other side of ledger, I've also seen some amazing examples of personal triumph around me. I've got a friend with terrible depression who just keeps getting off the mat no matter how many times he's pulled down. I have another who spent years wasting away through cycles of addiction and homelessness who met a girl and decided to live again long after we'd all written his obituary. Even my own mother, depressed and self-destructive well into her 60s finally found a healthy relationship and began living the best years of her life in her 70s.

So I do find myself compelled to talk about what I've come through when I can talk about it in terms of being a hard won (if perhaps temporary) victory. If all of what I went through serves any purpose at all, I hope that it can be one more story out there that reminds people that happiness is always a possibility as long as we're still living.

[F.o.W]

Davey, brilliant post and respect to you.
Twenty years ago, our eldest daughter was five years old, and we were a month away from the birth of our second child.
Was I happy? On one level, as a family man, yes I was. A decent job, roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, food on the table. I had a few good mates, ran a sunday football team. Quite the picture of happiness.
Twenty months ago, this fell away, when I came out. Not going to dwell, because that's not my style, but I lost everything.
Now, as in August 2017, am I happy? Fucking Damn Right I am. Took a while, the support of my step mum, but I got there.
A job I love, new home (the second this year), new town, new circle of friends (a lot of the old ones are still there, thank God), opportunities opening up every day, I actually feel like I've got control over my life back!
I'm older, happier and at peace with myself.

[Quaco]

This morning, I had the unique pleasure of watching a video taken in 1985 (age: 19) of my friends and me. I certainly had many good times back then, but I would never want to go back to that particular type of insecurity that I could see in everything I did. Ugh. I would never want to give up what I've learned and felt in the years since. Interestingly, I think back then I might have said that I would have wanted to go back to earlier childhood.

Not always happier now, but I'm more consistent and less seeking approval in oh-so-subtle ways. Less on a roller coaster of the thrills of joy and the related hangover afterward when it doesn't last or the next thing doesn't pan out. I guess that's peacefulness.

[Jimbo]

Just as we are getting relaxed - I into easy part time work and a small pension, my wife with a low pay but satisfying job, our son on his own - my wife's father had a stroke. Last night she and I actually talked about selling our home and moving to Sapporo to help her mom deal with her dad. Old or young, shit happens.

[take5_d_shorterer]

Cerebral hemorrhage ranks particularly high as a cause of death for Japanese (see http://www.worldlifeexpectancy.com/usa- ... s-of-death ).

I'd recommend knowing where the nearest stroke center is. If the stroke is ischemic and is treated within 3 hours, the effects are usually reversible.