Donald Trump’s concession speech
November 7, 2020 at 11:37 a.m. EST
In case the thing stopping President Trump from delivering a concession speech is the fact that nobody has drafted one for him, I have gone ahead and done so:
Well, people are saying they don’t want me to be president anymore. And they are saying it very strongly, with their ballots. Did you know they can do that? I didn’t know that.
So I am not going to be the president anymore. Not anymore! I thought Article II said that if you’re the president, they let you do it as long as you want to! But they have an Article I and an Article III, folks! I and III. Maybe even IV or V! Could be VI. I said, where are they finding all these articles? And they said, the Constitution.
So at first, I said, they’re stealing the election. Look at what they’re doing! They have gotten all these millions and millions of people to fill out little pieces of paper, and they’re trying to give the presidency away to whoever has the most little pieces of paper with their name on it, whether that’s me or Kanye or Joe Biden! Even though I’ve only had it four years and it’s like new. I’ve barely touched it. And they’re saying I have to give it away just because fewer of the little pieces of paper have my name on them, in certain, specific states? That doesn’t seem fair. So I said, what is this? What’s going on here? People, we’ve got to stop the count, I said! Stop the count. We can’t let this happen to our beautiful voting. And the man who is always calling me sir, he came in his hard hat, a big guy, tough, he said, sir, actually, that is voting.
I couldn’t believe it. I said, these millions and millions of little tiny pieces of paper, with names and signatures, you mean to tell me that’s people casting their legitimate votes in accordance with the laws of democracy, and he said, yes, that is how you got to be president the first time, and I said, I thought I was president because the map and maybe something to do with God, and he said, That too, sir, and then he sobbed onto my shoulder and called me ‘sir’ one last time.
I thought they were doing devious things, I said. I kept seeing all the numbers and they didn’t make any sense, like my net worth, but bad. I kept saying, wait a minute, what’s going on here? Pennsylvania, Georgia, Arizona, Nevada. Why are we looking at these states? Why are they important? Why are we watching a man in Gap khakis yell at a map into the night? Did the map do something wrong? It is red in some places and blue in other places. It seems like the red and the blue are fighting each other by doing math? I have a great brain, and I knew that if I were not following, nobody would be following.
But it turns out in some places Joe had more little papers than I had, and in other places I had more than he had. And I said, it’s very complicated. And I said, so whoever gets the most paper, that’s the president, and they said, no, we have a system called the electoral college which is a vestigial system from our nation’s founding, and it means that you can have the most papers and still not be the president. That was how you became president in the first place. And that’s okay? I said, and they said, no, but it used to benefit you, so we did not complain about it, and now it is too late.
So that’s what it is, folks! A little thing called an election. Most people have never heard of it, but it’s been happening every four years, for all this time. Centuries! And it says I’m not the president anymore. It’s incredible, isn’t it? And then they came up to me and they said, sir, we have to go by what it says, so I said, okay, that’s what they want, give them what they want!
And they said, Mr. President, sir, it’s not up to you.