Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 2011)

Johnny Fartpants

Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 2011)

Postby Johnny Fartpants » 23 Dec 2011, 15:09

So, best to start at the beginning I suppose ... I was born on the 22nd February 1966 at Parkside Maternity Hospital, Middlesbrough. I've only ever met one other person who was born in that hospital, and she's a Glaswegian ... well, technically of course she's a Teessider, but her parents are Glaswegian and she only lived in Teesside for a couple of months before returning North. But I like to call her English, just to see her foam at the mouth and her face turn purple. But I digress. My Dad was a plumber who was brought up on some of the roughest council estates in Stockton, most notably the Ragworth Estate, which is well known for mainly the wrong reasons in these parts. My Mother was born to a deaf and dumb mother and was actually brought up by her Aunty Sam. I guess to be honest I don't really remember Nanna Sam as I called her, because she died when I was 4 years old, but I have a lovely picture of me and her in the living room of my first home in Eaglescliffe, sitting next to my first pet dog Pixie. My Mam always tells me what a wonderful woman she was and you can see the warmth in that picture. My Mam's real mother, Bella, used to visit us about once a year with a couple of her deaf and dumb friends. I always remember my Dad taking the piss when they used to visit ... my Mam would say "Bella wants a cup of tea and a couple of biscuits" to which my Dad would reply "tell her to stick it up her arse!", safe in the knowledge she couldn't hear him. So I guess if you were wondering where my sense of humour comes from, that is probably a good reference point!

My Dad wasn't that into music really, but I remember he had a couple of Rod Stewart albums and liked Mario Lanza, although I do like Rod's early stuff with the Faces. Safe to say I didn't get my musical taste from him. My Mum was much more artistic and more into music ... I remember she always used to buy those "Top Of The Pops" albums of cover versions of the hits of the day. I also remember a few Beatles and Stones records, and a Beach Boys album with an orange cover that I used to play a lot. But my Mam always tells me that the first record I really loved and used to "dance next to the record player to" ... the record player being one of those "turtable in a suitcase with a speaker on the front" type things that you could stack about 8 singles on and they'd drop down one at a time, except occasionally three would drop at once and fuck the stylus up... when I was 4 or 5 was, and at the risk of losing any street cred I may have had left, Sugar Sugar by The Archies. To be honest, I've still got a soft spot for that song now.



When I got to around 7 or 8 I was an avid listen to the radio, particularly the Top 40 show on a Sunday evening and also watcher of Top of the Pops on the BBC. It was around this time when my love of loud melodic rock music was first ignited, and if there is one person on this planet who is more responsible for this than any other, it's a certain Mr. Neville John Holder ... or "Noddy" as you may know him. So my secind choice is Get Down And Get With It by Slade. I love this clip - no clever studio effects, no voice enhancers - just a great live band and a fucking incredible voice. I love the way Noddy smirks to himself just before he starts to sing, as if to say "I'm just about to blow your heads off". Quite possibly the best rock voice ever ...



I'd be lying if I said I was aware of the whole Punk thing happening in 1976, I was only 10 at the time. But certainly by the time it got to 1977 and I had started my first year at Egglescliffe Comprehensive School in Eaglescliffe in September of that year, The Clash, Sex Pistols, Stranglers and Buzzcocks were all on my radar. The first single I ever bought with my own money, from the HMV in Stockton for 49p was Pretty Vacant by the Sex Pistols. I vividly remember the sleeve with the picture frame with the broken glass in it. Singles were fucking great weren't they? Picture sleeves, coloured vinyl, picture discs, 12 inchers ... de kidz of today don't know what they're missing. OK, yeah shut up Grandad, I know ....



And it was at Egglescliffe Comp that I met my musical "soul mate" ... OK, that sounds a bit too gay, but you know what I mean ... Sandy "Froz" Fraser. At 14 he had a Saturday job on the second hand record stall in the flea market in Green Dragon Yard on Stockton High Street, and used to get first choice of all the new records before the stall opened. If he saw another copy of anything rare that he already had, he'd keep it for me. And any time he couldn't work, I used to cover for him. I got some great records off that stall. Sandy later went on to get a YTS job at HMV in Stockton for a year when he was 16 ... I was so jealous. But to be fair, he still used to get any rare records he could for me. There are so many of these singles to choose from, but one that stands out, and bearing in mind the time of year, is quite apt, is the white vinyl copy of Silent Night by The Dickies. I love The Dickies. It's very easy to dismiss them as a comedy Punk band who just did 100mph cover versions ... which they did of course. The first two albums - The Incredible Shrinking Dickies and Dawn Of The Dickies - are full of great pop songs and as good as anything else that was around at that time. Sandy was good mate, we eventually formed a band together ... but that's another story.



So I was a Punk during my youth. And of course being a Punk, you couldn't possibly admit to liking anything else that wasn't Punk at the time. That would be sooo uncool. So admitting to liking anything from the Ska revival was like saying you were into knitting in your spare time. But there was one band and one album that stood head, shoulders and torso above all the other 2-Tone stuff at that time. I Just Can't Stop It by The Beat is one of the most perfect, joyful albums I've ever heard. It never fails to make me smile. There are so many songs on there I could choose, but for the sheer adreneline of a perfect one and a half minute pop song about shooting yourself, Click Click by The Beat is hard to better. Try keeping your feet still ... I dare ya!



I was at Egglescliffe Comp when I met my now wife, Jackie. She was in the same school year as me, there are only 2 months between us, and I know it's rude to reveal a lady's age. She's 2 months older than me! We went out a couple of times when we were 14 and 15, but like most relationships at that time, 2 weeks is a long time. She left the school at 16, I did a year in 6th Form and we lost touch for a while. But then we bumped into each other again when we were about 20, and to cut a long story short, we've been seeing each other for 24 years, living together for almost 23 years and married for the last 19 years. She gets on my tits at times, but she's my best mate and I love her to bits. And this, as sad as it may seem, is our song ... Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns 'n' Roses.. I know Axl gets loads of stick, and rightly so, but for a couple of years they were brilliant.



We had our first child, Daniel, in November 1990. He was 21 last month. When he was a young kid, it was sometimes difficult to get him to sleep, so I'd put him in his child seat in the car, and just drive around the local area listening to music with him. And there was one song at the time that was a particular favourite of his - he used to say to me "Dad, put Bobbalooaah on" ... Bobbalooaah refers to part of the chorus of Oblivion by Terrorvision. His face used to light up and I'd see him in the rear view mirror singing along and bobbing up and down in his chair. Hard to believe when you see the big hairy bastard now!! It is a great pop song though ... another band that deserved to be bigger than they were.



So, I suppose for my last choice, I should go with my favourite song. Some of you may be surprised that I haven't chosen anything by The Clash. If this was a "choose your 8 favourite songs" thread, they'd be on there. In fact if I was to now choose my favourite ever single, it would be Tommy Gun. They are without doubt my favourite band. But my favourite song comes from my favourite album. It was the first ever album on an independent label to enter the national Top 20 albums. It's just so full of anger and passion that it still makes my hairs stand up 32 years on. Inflammable Material by Stiff Little Fingers is just a fantastic album. And ironically, my favourite song is the track I initially used to skip over because it was too long ... 8 minutes and 7 seconds to be precise. That can't be Punk can it?? And it's actually a cover version, written by Bob Marley's wife, Rita. When I joined the old Q message board about 11 years ago, I almost took this song title as my user name ... but Fartpants just seemed funnier at the time, and I love Viz comic ... more of that later. So my final choice of song is Johnny Was by Stiff Little Fingers. It is a long song, but if you've not heard it before, stick with it.



So, that's my 8 songs ... now a book. I'm not the kind of person who would read a novel over and over again. I'm not going to pretend I'm some great literary buff who will leaf through a classic over a cigar and a nice Cognac. I do like crime fiction books. But I couldn't read the same one over and over again. So I'm going to choose something that makes me laugh. I discovered Viz comic as a student at Newcastle Polytechnic in 1985. I remember they were giving away a free balloon with one issue, but the balloon was stapled to the front of the comic!! So fuck your classics, your politics, your encylopedias ... I'm taking this with me!!

Image

And a luxury item. I have three real passions in life ... music, football ... and beer. I was a member of CAMRA in my early 20s. I was lucky enough to live in Belgium for 4 years, and if the Belgians know one thing, it's paedophi.... sorry, it's how to make beer. So if it's not cheating, i'd like an endless supply of hand crafted Belgian beers from the breweries of my choice. And with that I'd be happy as a pig in shit!!

So where am I in my life ... 45 years old, a strong and long lasting marriage, two great kids, a nice house in a cracking town and a good job. I owe my parents a lot because even though they both had a rough start in life, rather than just settle for life on a rough council estate, they stretched themselves a bit and bought a nice house in a nice part of Teesside, and I was born a year later. My Dad never had his own car, we used his works van and the buses to get about. We werent that well off, but my Mam and Dad both worked hard and I don't remember wanting for anything as a kid. They taught me that if I worked hard I'd get on in life, and I reckon I have. Not had a day off work on the sick since I had my appendix removed in 1993. I suppose I'm lucky in that I have a job I enjoy, I get to travel, I work for a very solid, global company and my Bosses all seem to like me. I've got my health and my sense of humour. I don't give a fuck about religion or politics. Some may find that naive. Fuck 'em. I'm happy enough!

Have a great Christmas and all the best for 2012 ... and thanks for putting up with me on here!

User avatar
BlueMeanie
Posts: 5697
Joined: 22 Nov 2009, 11:41
Location: A place where no one says please
Contact:

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby BlueMeanie » 23 Dec 2011, 17:46

Shite.
Betty Denim wrote:The first time I saw a strange man's cock was in a queue for a Belgian breakfast buffet.

GoogaMooga wrote:I do have standards.

Johnny Fartpants

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby Johnny Fartpants » 23 Dec 2011, 17:51

BlueXmas wrote:Shite.


Glad you liked it. :lol:

Six String
Posts: 20091
Joined: 16 Jul 2003, 20:22

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby Six String » 23 Dec 2011, 19:59

You didn't let me down Johnny. I admire a man who moves at the beat of his own drum or wherever that rumbling is coming from. :) I never knew there was a profanisaurus. Brilliant! I was not familiar with Terrorvision and since I rarely hear music by Guns and Roses I enjoyed that one as well. Now you've made me pull out my copy of I Just Can't Stop It!
It's been a few months since I spun that last.

User avatar
Jeemo
Posts: 20614
Joined: 21 Jul 2003, 23:17
Location: ????

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby Jeemo » 23 Dec 2011, 20:37

It was alright I suppose.....when you in Glasgow next ya twat....
Image So Long Kid, Take A Bow.

Johnny Fartpants

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby Johnny Fartpants » 23 Dec 2011, 21:14

Jeemo wrote:It was alright I suppose.....when you in Glasgow next ya twat....


Was in Embra a couple of weeks ago ... don't get up there as often as I used to or as often as I'd like. I'll make sure I stay in Glasgow next time I'm up. I've got some potential new business developing in Dundee of all places, but I'm fucked if I'm staying overnight in that shithole!!

Seriously Jim, I'd love another drink with you mate, it's been too long since the last one! ;)

User avatar
Belle Lettre
Éminence grise
Posts: 15527
Joined: 09 Oct 2008, 07:16
Location: Antiterra

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby Belle Lettre » 23 Dec 2011, 21:52

We have the Profanisaurus too. Hidden from my 12 year old.

Great songs, good read!
Nikki Gradual wrote:
Get a fucking grip you narcissistic cretins.

User avatar
Billybob Dylan
Bonehead
Posts: 31807
Joined: 16 Jul 2003, 18:51
Location: in front of the telly

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby Billybob Dylan » 23 Dec 2011, 22:40

Nice one, Mark.
"I've been reduced to thruppence!"

User avatar
C
Robust
Posts: 49953
Joined: 22 Jul 2003, 19:06

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby C » 23 Dec 2011, 22:42

A robust read but what a load of dross on the music front!





.
neville harp wrote:God bless you brother C x

User avatar
Leg of lamb
Jane Austen enthusiast
Posts: 9466
Joined: 19 Oct 2003, 11:33
Location: Crying in the chapel
Contact:

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby Leg of lamb » 24 Dec 2011, 10:39

Thanks very much JF! Really enjoyed this festive edition.
Brother Spoon wrote:I would probably enjoy this record more if it came to me in a brown paper bag filled with manure, instead of this richly illustrated disgrace to my eyes.

Molony

Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 2011)

Postby Molony » 24 Dec 2011, 11:31

Nice one.

User avatar
Jock
Posts: 9259
Joined: 31 Dec 2005, 10:59
Location: Guid aul' Killie

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby Jock » 24 Dec 2011, 15:18

C wrote:A robust read but what a load of dross on the music front!





.

:lol:
Always Cheated Never Defeated

User avatar
Jock
Posts: 9259
Joined: 31 Dec 2005, 10:59
Location: Guid aul' Killie

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby Jock » 24 Dec 2011, 15:18

Good stuff Mark.
Always Cheated Never Defeated

User avatar
Thesiger
Posts: 20156
Joined: 08 Aug 2003, 17:12
Location: Old Meadow

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby Thesiger » 24 Dec 2011, 15:44

C wrote:A robust read but what a load of dross on the music front!





.


Many a true word said in jest. :)
BCB Cup - R.U. 2010: W 2012

User avatar
kath
Groovy Queen of the Cosmos
Posts: 34729
Joined: 22 Feb 2006, 15:20
Location: bama via new orleans

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby kath » 24 Dec 2011, 18:30

i love it.

even though i don't know much punk and i came into the whole thing far too late, i do dig a bunch of punk... including the tracks you've put up, especially the dickies and stiff lil fingers, mwhaha. (i am also a fan of those tracks from the archies, slade and guns n roses. i don't give a crap how many people trash guns. for that one brief, shining, loud, guit-laden, ear-shattering moment in time, they were explosive.)

i cannot believe i've never heard of the profanisaurus. how did i manage to miss this fucquer? i can only imagine it's the prof's fault.

merry christmas, to you and yers. you said something about putting up with you. i happen to think you are an essential part of this board... even though you wimped out on the prog cup this year, like the wussy lil bitchboy you are.

p.s. my firstborn, attila, would only ever calm down in the car seat. since he spent the rest of his waking hours screaming at the top of his lungs, we knew how valuable that car seat was. when he'd fall asleep in the seat, the exhole would choose to leave him in it and carry the whole thing around. he'd strap that car-seat-plus-attila onto grocery carts. anywhere. we didn't care about the funny looks cast our way in public. he was ASLEEP, gotdammit. let sleeping babes lie still asleep in car seats.

Image

but the lad always did have his punker side. so in honor of all things fartpantsian...

Image

User avatar
Polishgirl
Posts: 8799
Joined: 21 Dec 2009, 22:06

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby Polishgirl » 25 Dec 2011, 15:36

most enjoyable.

homo.
echolalia wrote: I despise Prefab Sprout. It will be decades before “hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque” is surpassed as the most terrible lyric in pop history. That fucking bastard ruined all three things for me forever.

User avatar
Copehead
BCB Cup Stalinist
Posts: 24059
Joined: 16 Jul 2003, 18:51
Location: at sea

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby Copehead » 26 Dec 2011, 22:54

Mapatasi!
And if you tolerate this then your children will be next

Image

Bear baiting & dog fights a speciality.

User avatar
Magilla
Otago Mago
Posts: 15081
Joined: 19 Jul 2003, 04:02
Location: Gazing at the harbour.
Contact:

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby Magilla » 27 Dec 2011, 04:47

Another superb write-up in this excellent series. Much appreciated, Mark. It is ironic that your fave band is the Clash, yet you've got no interest in politics yourself.
"U2 routinely spent a year in the studio...I have a theory: if you put four monkeys in the studio for a year with Lanois and Eno and Lillywhite, they would make a pretty good record, too."

User avatar
fange
Posts: 12509
Joined: 20 Jan 2010, 11:30
Location: 香港

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby fange » 03 Jan 2012, 01:56

That was a great read, Mr. Fartpants! Never heard that Terrorvision tune so ta for the heads up. And as someone who has many memories of the 'drive the kids around till they've had a sleep' variety, i read that part with a big nostalgic smile. Cheers.
Jonny Spencer wrote:
fange wrote:I've got my quad pants on and i'm ready for some Cock.


By CHRIST you're a man after my own sideways sausage, Ange!

Johnny Fartpants

Re: Desert Island Discs - Johnny Fartpants (December 23rd 20

Postby Johnny Fartpants » 03 Jan 2012, 15:37

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and feedback, especially Kath! :D

Except BlueMeanie who can go an fuck himself with a rusty chisel.