Guy E wrote:kath wrote:but if the question is, am i ever gonna get over this? well, no. there's always gonna be a hole deep inside of my soul created by her absence.
She will be in your thoughts every day for the rest of your life. A death does not diminish the breadth of one's family.
you are right. i'm a true believer in it, too. i have been all my life. when my brother died, i was all about
"nay, sir, we are four." then i had a dream about him that
completely changed the way i thought about his death, making it all the easier and more natural for me to believe. after my ma died, i took to talking to her all the time, regardless. i still talk to her, everyday. i do believe that people live on, we make it so, we decide we are not diminished. i feel that way about elizabeth. she's always gonna be here, with me.
the hard part, of course, is remembering to live by it and not let myself sink into the pit of self-pity. self-pity, becuz i am the one missing her and everything about her. there is still a side of me trying to come to terms with the fact that i'lll hear the phone ring and it
won't be her. (she used to call me every other day. i still have silly messages of hers on my answering machine, the last one, with various underwater sound effects courtesy her, chi chi and sam, live from a sushi place. they all know i hate sushi. hence their glee at underwater sound effects. no respect, really.) i won't feel the hug, see her beaming at me while i'm cooking for her, hear her gettin all in my face when we're shooting pool, read all her emails with youtube recs and paper drafts. i know it is an entirely selfish thing, entirely me-oriented, but i just can't help it sometimes, no matter how much i buy into whatever philosophy. maybe it's just all so close and i need the distance of time.
in all honesty, there's lil i hate more than falling into that pit of self-pity. i hate myself when i do that. (i hate others when they do that, especially when they try to use 'feel sorry for me' as some kinda manipulative weapon. the last people i'm ever gonna feel sorry for on this earth are the people who demand that i feel sorry for them. ptooey.) overall, self-pity has got to be the most vile, foul thing there is. well, ok, there are worse things, abuse of others, cruelty, self-righteousness, humorlessness, stepping into ant piles barefoot, y_ms, BTO, etc... but i still hate it and what it turns me into: a useless, counterproductive, negative, juvenile, self-centered, whiny, spineless bitch of a thing (she says, sucking thumb and hugging picture of herself.)
i also have no delusions that there will be harder parts to come, as i was telling someone privately. ya know how it goes. all this chaos is gonna die down. the ruckus will fade out. the world is gonna keep spinnin, the sun is gonna keep rising, people will move on becuz that's what people do... and i'm still gonna be sitting here, without my beezle. the temptation for wallowing will be strong.
fucque that.
it helps to know that i have luvved ones around me who are in much worse shape than i am and who really need me. even though i can't quite get my philosophy and my reality to line up exactly yet, i *can* force myself out of the
poor widdle me zone by focusing on those close to me in really shaky shape. (more of that babble ahead). and even though i miss her so intensely, i've been talking to her just like i talk to my ma. some folk may think i'm the queen of denial or just plain stark-raving when i do it, but the truth is probably the opposite. my talk thing is probably more of a sign of my accepting reality than anything else.
not that i'm not stark-raving for other reasons. you understand.